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#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

“Just when I thought I was ready to back away from the whole situation, an entire bare bottom revealed itself from behind the wall.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ published TOMORROW!


#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

Jack Samsonite’s Personal Statement: Attempt No.19 

My Name is Jack Samsonite.

I sniff balls.

Give me a scholarship.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ published TODAY!



It is finally here…

One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End in the Otherwise Un-Messed-Up Life of Jack Samsonite is officially on the loose as of today!

Sprint down to your local bookshop and grab a copy NOW! (Or sprint down to your local computer and order your copy online. OR even sprint down to your ebook reader and download your digital copy NOW NOW NOW! OR… do none of the above because you think it looks kind of crap. It’s up to you. You don’t have to ‘sprint’ anywhere. You could walk, or roll, or crawl… and it doesn’t necessarily need to be ‘NOW’, you could really do it whenever you want. I’m leniant like that.)

Anyone who is a regular to this blog will already know that I have been REALLY anxious about this book, worrying that it won’t please everybody (yes, I know, you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but it would be nice, especially if they were fans of book 1). Obviously it won’t please EVERYBODY, and, unfortunately some people WILL be disappointed, but the ratings coming in at has already eased my mind. There are FIVE STAR REVIEWS on there! ALREADY! FIIIIVE STAAAARS! I am SOOOOO relieved, beyond comprehension. It is like when I got an ‘A’ in GCSE music after being predicted a ‘D’. I am completely over the moon. Thank you Goodreads reviewers.

I will rest now, and celebrate my book birthday, then carry on with my next book and then start getting anxious about that.

P.S. Is it weird for an author to publicly celebrate their book birthday? Is it a bit too ‘own trumpet blowingy’? Am I supposed to be quiet and gracious and let other people go ‘Whooop!’ for me? Or is that just lazy? I think this is right. Right? I mean, I think we are expected to promote our work aren’t we? I’m even getting anxious about this blog post!


#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

“OK, so maybe I was slightly overreacting. Laughing with each other doesn’t necessarily ALWAYS signify a sexual relationship but, even so, it was pretty damn sick.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ published on #WorldBookDay


#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

There we stood. A team of film-makers. A team of rebels. The A-Team. Rocked, locked and ready to… no, that’s not right.

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Weekend…’ published on #WorldBookDay


Jack Samsonite Interview #2

I was lucky enough to grab an interview with that Jack Samsonite kid, but I was so nervous at meeting a real life, barely-heard-of, gimpy little seventeen-year-old nobody celebrity that I couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

Lucky for me you guys had already sent me some questions.

Here it is…

Me: We have a few guest questions from some of your fans. Would you be happy to answer them? (Okay, so I did manage the one question).

JS: Yes! I mean NO! I mean, can I read them first? Are they weird? I bet they’re weird. They’re really weird aren’t they? I’m scared…

Q1 from ‘Jenna’ via email: “Jack, please please PLEASE can you tell us something about your new book! I read the first one and loved it and I can’t wait to find out what happens next in your life!”

JS: Thank you Jenna (if that is your real name, though I suspect you are probably a demented kitten-killer, writing to me from your cell in a maximum security prison, where you listen to that old Crazy Frog song on loop, over and over and over again, whilst hugging your comparison site Meer cat soft toy. If this is wildly inaccurate, and you are in fact a regular human being called Jenna, and not actually a total nutter, then please accept my apologies). Since I haven’t actually read my journal since writing it, I can’t really remember the exact details of what happens. All I genuinely can tell you is this – I say the wrong thing… a lot, I do the wrong thing even more, and I… it’s mostly just wrong. But it turns out okay at the end! It’s actually quite sweet. I think. Actually, thinking about it, I’m not too sure…

Q2 from Monique, via facebook: “Dear Jack, where can I get some cock-nuggets from? I tried the McDonalds drive-thru but they seemed confused by my order. What sauce do you get with yours? 6 pack or 9?”

JS: Hi Monique. You sound made up. No one actually has that name. I’m guessing my publishers wrote these questions themselves, posing as ‘fans’. But, just in case I’m wrong (which sometimes happens), to answer your question, which is one of the strangest questions I’ve ever heard… you tried to order cock-nuggets from McDonalds?!!! I know cocks are like male chickens (just in case anyone is worrying that we’re using horrible naughty words), but we generally just call them chicken nuggets. But, maybe where you come from they do call them cock-nuggets. It does sound kind of wrong though. My guess is that the drive-thru microphone wasn’t working properly. You should probably shout your order next time, just to be sure. “COCK-NUGGETS! I WANT COCK-NUGGETS PLEASE!” I hope this solves your problem, and prevents any future drive-thru embarrassment. I don’t really understand that bit about the sauce though. Sorry.

Q3 from J_ManSpaceFace, via email: “How does it feel to be a figment of someone’s imagination?”

JS: I would love to answer that question, but, since I don’t exist, that would be impossible! (Is it okay that I say that, or is it cheating?)

Q4 from Nicola, via email: “Okay, so, your book is unbelievably honest. Don’t you get a bit embarrassed about all the nob stuff?”

JS: I can’t make this more – whatever the word is that means ‘highlighted, understood completely, really really clear’ – I had no idea my journals were going to be published when I wrote them, (if I had then I’d have written them very, very differently). And if you thought the first one was embarrassing for me, then wait until the read the second one.

Thank you all for your questions, and sorry if yours wasn’t included, but there wasn’t enough space for all of them and, to be honest, some of your questions were completely unpublishable. You sickos. But thanks anyway.

P.S. Not all of that would have made sense if you didn’t read the Atom Books interview with Jack.


#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

Jack Samsonite’s Personal Statement: Attempt No.9

My name is Jack Samsonite. I am a socially inept, romantically dysfunctional, potty-mouthed tosser and COMPLETE FRICKIN IDIOT! I would greatly appreciate you considering me to be a part of your university.

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Weekend…’ published on #WorldBookDay


{a little glimpse} #3

{a little glimpse} – a single sketch, photograph or work in progress.

Inspired by Cupcakesforclara


On This Day… 3 Years Ago

On this day, three years ago, it snowed. We went sledging. So did Grandma…

Here she is at the top of the ‘hill’ (we chose the toddler safe slope).

Here she is a few metres from the top.

Old people are good with sledges!

Old people are…


Old people roll better than you’d think.

She was fine! (That was the equivalent to a normal aged person taking a dive from a moving train).

What a hero. Let this be an inspiration to us all – whenever you’re feeling low, a little less than your usual self, lacking in strength – push an old person down a hill, it’s funny!


No.2 (Part 2)

So, carrying on from my last, jabbering, mind-excretion (No.2 Part 1) - book two, pressure, zombie kittens… Oh, and yes, I am writing blog posts again! Of course it’s only a temporary thing. Soon enough I’ll be leaving months between each post, not intentionally, but just because I don’t have time. But for now, whilst I have my new book driving me to write about it (share my excitement, vent my anxieties, try to promote my work in a shameless attempt to sell enough books to make a career of being a writer), I’ll just keep on writing. (Most of it will be crap).


Crapness. I think that is the main pressure for a writer – fear of being crap. Actually it’s probably a main fear of most people, but I don’t know much about most people. For me, Crapness-fear attacks from every angle – fear of not living up to your potential; fear of losing any talent you once had; fear of being rejected by publishers; fear of being laughed at by peers; fear of failing in general; and most of all, more than anything else, something that I didn’t even have to consider first time round – fear of disappointing fans. (Okay, I may not have millions of them, but just one is enough pressure for me).


And that brings me to my one and only regret of book 2. There’s not a single part of that book that I would change – like a life lived, a written book is what it is – but I SO regret writing the acknowledgements at the end. I didn’t do acknowledgements for my first book, mainly because I didn’t have a clue what to write, but to not include them for book 2 would have just seemed rude, so in that sense I’m glad I thanked the people that I thanked. The bit that is eating me up inside is all the people who I didn’t thank. I don’t remember what I wrote or who I thanked, but I know it wasn’t enough. And now, looking back at the final sentence of the previous paragraph of this post, I wish I’d written PAGES and PAGES thanking everybody that gave me the encouragement to write a second book – every one of you who took the time to email me from the ‘contact me’ page on this blog to tell me how much you enjoyed book 1; every single person who wrote a single tweet telling me how much OSMUW made them laugh; every book reviewer who had something positive to say about what I wrote; everyone who actually supported me by simply buying the book! You all deserve my thanks.


But, even if I didn’t mention you in the acknowledgements, my thanks to you is on every page prior to that. I know it sounds cliché and cheesy and sentimental and the kind of crap you hear people say at the Oscars, but, seriously, I couldn’t have done it without you. Unfortunately though, my thanks to you may or may not be in the form of a pooed-out a zombie kitten. (That only makes sense if you’ve read the previous post).

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