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Here’s The Pitch

‘Here’s the Pitch’ is a post inspired by a twitter conversation between Viv from and Andrew Hall from pewterwolf

Viv wrote this tweet:

Been asked to come up with some ideas for a script about zombies. You know how that pains me Twitter. #hateszombies
Vivienne Dacosta

Andrew wrote this reply:

@ zombies? Dull. Do something you like. Zombie unicorns or whatnot....
Andrew Hall

Then I thought this:

And then my brain wouldn’t leave me alone until I’d written this down…

Title: Bunheads of the Dead

The hook: Zombies do ballet (what’s not to like?!)

The pitch: The war against the undead has been dragged out for far too long. People have tired of it. Most of the population are at war, the remainder (those too feeble to pick up a weapon) are left to run the country. Electricity is on its way out. Supermarkets are gone. And luxuries of the soul, like entertainment, are all but a distant memory. Worldwide morale is at an all time low. Until… Bernard Hopwell MP (Basingstoke) comes up with a jolly splendid idea!

“If we can’t beat them, we can certainly utilise some of their slower and more feeble ones in our factories, power stations entertainment industry.”

Bring on the Shufflers. ‘The Shufflers’ are what is left of the first generation of the zombie uprising. Unlike the newly evolved ‘Sprinter’ breed, the shufflers are now considered to be, in Bernard Hopwell’s words, ‘relatively harmless, (if managed from a distance and fitted with the appropriate muzzles and leashes).’

With TV and radio once again up and running, Zombies are soon the stars of every show. But before long the nation begins to tire of crass fodder like ‘The Z-Factor’, ‘Zombie Wipeout’, and ‘The Weakest Limb’ and a yearning for culture becomes an insatiable thirst – a thirst that only two people can quench…

Margot Hetfield and Dorothy Bainbridge, formerly of the Women’s Institute, have never produced a ballet before. Nor have they ever had creative control over three dozen zombies. So, when they are entrusted with the task of helming a full scale production of Swan Lake With Zombies they are faced with somewhat of a challenge. Nonetheless, they give it everything they’ve got (with varying degrees of success).

Most quotable line: Margot (picking fallen limbs from the stage) – “It’s useless, Dorothy! Useless! That was our third prima ballerina I’ve shot in the head this month!”

Anyone wishing to pay me large quantities of money to develop this idea… is an idiot.

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