I’ve been looking around the world of blogs, seeing what there is to see, and can report that, despite the wealth of talent and the never ending fountain of information they provide, I was sadly left feeling a little empty inside, unfulfilled, as if the blogosphere were missing some vital ingredient required to further the existence of the human species. Luckily for all of us I have managed to put my finger on what exactly that missing ingredient is, and I am about to share it with you all…
My Top 5 Favourite Toilet Papers
The strength and general quality of bog roll never really bothered me much until I had kids. The whole phenomenon of bum-wiping was all a bit of a mystery, a bit like fishing for sharks with fluffy sheep – unless you have a camera submerged below all you see is something soft and fluffy going down below, something horrible then happens, and, if you choose to, you can hoik it back up and have a look as the ugly result. But when you have to wipe someone else’s bum, you actually see what happens to the paper when you wipe. So I have drawn on all of my bum wiping experience in order to bring you this – a must for all poo-paper enthusiasts.
1. Triple Velvet: It’s thick, it’s soft, and it’s strong – no disintegrating, no tearing, and you can usually get away with using 33% fewer sheets per wipe than the other brands. Plus, if you shop around you can usually get it at a bargain price (£3.99 for 18 rolls).
2. Cushelle: Soft and strong, but just misses out on the top spot when it comes to thickness.
3. Co-op soft cream toilet rolls: not perfect and sometimes tears or disintegrates on a moist plop, but softer and stronger than most.
4. Andrex with Shea Butter: This isn’t actually one of my favourites at all, I just wanted to put it in the list so that I could have a little rant about how crap it is. At first it seemed luxuriously soft and noticeably gentle, but, as with every other Andrex toilet roll, at the first sign of friction or moistness it just begins to crumble and tear. Total rubbish, and the most expensive on the list. How can anyone justify spending £6 on 9 rolls of something that they are going to smear in poo and flush down the toilet? This seems insane to me! We pay all this money for something and then we poo all over it! You could hire a bum-wiping-butler and his silken hankies for three minutes a day and still pay less than that!
5. Tesco Luxury: Not luxury. Fuxury. It’s the roughest, crumbliest loo-roll I’ve used in ages. And it’s not even a bargain price.
That is the end of my list. Your life is now complete.
P.S. Unfortuntely this list is not definitive (since I haven’t actually tested every brand of bog roll) so feel free to add any favourites/worsts of your own in the comments.
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Thank you so much for this post, Tom! You have made me really giggle on this grey, Tuesday morning!
We actually use Andrex. Of all the ones we’ve used more than the odd time, it’s the best. I find that it doesn’t crumble and tear. Does the job without being all rough! Tesco is crap though. I really dislike home brand toilet roll, so uncomfortable to use.
I was quoting your post to my Mum because I found it so funny, and she was wondering where you buy Triple Velvet for £3.99, because where we see it, it’s always expensive. We like the sound of great but cheap toilet roll! Lol.
Argh! I completely forgot to reply! Sorry! Tell your mum that I usually never find Triple Velvet at a good price in the supermarket. £stretcher, macro, superdrug, quality save/home bargains are usually your best bet. In fact, I recently found 9 rolls of mediocre stuff for £1.50 in £stretcher! Happy plopping– I mean ‘shopping’!
I take it all back. I just tried Andrex Quilted… Andrex and my bottom are now friends again. We’re not quite on speaking terms yet though… because that would be weird.