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Jul
15

Confessions of a Very Naughty Boygirlmanwoman

Part research, part for fun (or all for fun in the guise of research), I begin a new feature – Confessions. A completely anonymous outlet for all of the worst things you’ve ever done in your life (within reason. Please don’t make me puke).

To get the ball rolling here are a few little gems I’ve collected so far (thanks to some very kind Tweeters)…

When I was in cub scouts, we went on camp and, one night, when everyone else was asleep, the guys in my tent all got a little crazy and went to get some water from the tap next to the leader’s tent (CRAAAZY!). For some reason a couple of the guys thought that drinking water at 1am wasn’t crazy enough for them, so on our way back from the tap they accidentally snuck into other people’s tents and switched everyone’s underwear, then went to the ‘Emergency Toilet Tent’ and removed all the guy ropes. This also seemed kind of tame, until, the next morning, amid arguments of ‘who stole my pants!’ we heard a noise that sounded very much like the ‘whump!’ of a falling tent, followed by a ‘slplosh’ of a toppling bucket of yellow and brown stuff, followed by the ‘Aarghh!’ of someone getting sewer-legs. We all ran out of the tent just in time to see an unidentified scout running across a field with a tent on his head and trousers round his ankles. How we didn’t get shot for this, I do not know.                             Anonymous.

 

As a child, every time my brother pissed me off I went to his bed room and secretly spat on his pillow.                 Anonymouth

 

Don’t have much time. Will try to keep it brief. Someone’s wedding, someone else’s house. Lots of guests, only one toilet. Queue went across the landing and half way down the stairs. I found a little tucked away corner of the landing, where a small window opened out onto a quiet and secluded part of the garden, so swiftly took care of business (only number one!). Passed a queing friend on way back down and told him about the wee window, which he promptly rushed to take advantage of. THEN… as I continued downstairs, I passed a rather big man, with rather wet hair, and smelling mildly of urine, who went storming upstrairs and (sorry, not a very happy ending) broke my friends jaw! And he hadn’t even unzipped yet! There. Funny and tragic all at once. And yes, I do still feel very very bad about it.             Anonymess

 

I used to lock my cousin in her own wendy house. It was fun!         Anonyhouse

 

I invited a friend round one day after school because I wanted to ask her whether she thought it would be worth my while asking her best friend out. She slightly got the wrong end of the stick and thought I wanted to ask her out. I felt too bad to let her down, so went along with it. It took me almost a whole year to break up with her!              Anonymonogamous

Thanks for your contributions. Please keep the confessions coming in. Long, short, funny, makes-you-want-to-crawl-into-a-dark-hole-and-never-come-out-again… all confessions welcome! Email them to tomclempson@gmail.com

 

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