Right. When it comes to my blog posts I usually try to bring the fun. But not today. Today I will probably resemble Fun Bobby from that episode of Friends.
I’ve spent quite some time deliberating over whether or not to write this post, but I have come to the conclusion that I have to. I can’t not.
One week ago today my 35 year old brother died very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I love him dearly and miss him so much it hurts. But I’m not writing this in a bid for compassion or sympathy. I’m writing this to raise awareness. To raise two awareness…es…
Awareness #1. To remind you of the fragility of life. One minute it’s here, the next it can be gone. Death always seems like something that happens to other people’s families, until it happens to yours. And eventually it does happen to yours, just as it did mine. So take this reminder and don’t waste a minute. Go and hug everyone who is important in your life and let them know how much you love them, because when they’re not here anymore that’s all you want to do, and you wish you’d done it more when you had the chance.
Awareness #2. Depression. Possibly the most misunderstood of illnesses, and if you’ve never suffered them it’s easy to understand why. ‘We all get depressed from time to time! What’s the big deal?’ seems to be a common reaction. Well, big deal No.1 is that Depression the illness doesn’t just pop along when something brings you down, then be on its way. It’s here to stay – it’s not always on the surface, but it always comes back, and there’s no telling when, or why. Big deal No.2 is that Depression the illness isn’t just being depressed, it can come hand in hand with so many other symptoms – self-loathing, paranoia, anger, low self-esteem and the overwhelming urge to sleep, in order to escape the torment, are just a few.
The sad truth is that we all probably know many people who are suffering from this illness, but because of the stigmas attached to it and because of the lack of understanding, they would never dare tell us. And there’s no way of guessing, because they have learnt to protect themselves by hiding it.
So, in summary, not only should you go hug everyone you love and remind them how much you love them, you should just go hug everyone (not including small children who you don’t know or people who look like they might hurt you with sticks) and remind them that there will always be someone to talk to, someone to love them, someone to bring the fun.
Yes it might seem uncomfortable, no it’s no cure for depression, but it is so much nicer than doing nothing and letting life and lives pass you by.
For Joss – my favourite dead brother. Ever! I love you.
Just a few of the many places to find help and advice on depression www.samaritans.org/ (Tel. UK: 08457 90 90 90 ROI: 1850 60 90 90) http://www.depressionforums.org/ www.fightingdepression.co.uk www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Depression/Pages/Selfhelpadvice.aspx www.overcomedepression.co.uk/
A few other posts you might find interesting:
dear Tom
i’m so sorry about your brother. it’s good that you wrote about him, for you and for him, and i hope your openness about depression will help others.
death is hard to handle; sudden death even more so. it takes a while – different whiles for different people – to get to grips with it and, after the shock & numbness wear off, things can get even more difficult. so many people, family, young & old, and friends, will be impacted by his death, many may not show their feelings but we’re all the same, and your advice about hugging & telling people you love them is brilliant.
we never know what’s around the corner, so these sad events are wake-up calls to make the most of today, live life to the full, and try to feel good (& do some good!) every day! your book sounds as if it will contribute to that
compassionate friends (http://www.tcf.org.uk/) may help your parents and i’ve heard they’re starting up groups for siblings too although there’s http://www.adultsiblinggrief.com/
there’s also
http://www.connect.legacy.com/.....dden-death
people who’ve been thru it have some idea of what you’re going thru, even tho no one knows how somewhere else feels.
no response required
What amazing, thoughtful, considerate, understanding and loving responses are coming through already, via blog, Facebook & twitter. Thank you all so much. Reinforcing my faith in humanity (people are lovely).
It’s hard to know what to say at times like this.
Your words ring true for me. Life (sadly) is too short and whilst I am more of a hugging kind, I know a couple of people who can’t see past the now to realise that life is too short and that it needs to be embraced – as do they.
I imagine you are feeling incredibly sad right now. Virtual hugs to you and yours.
x
I came here from cupcakesforclara. I’m so sorry to read of the death of your brother.
My sister has bipolar; she was diagnosed 10 years ago when she was 16. One of the things I have found the hardest to deal with is the fact that although her illness is utterly awful and devastating, it is also a fundamental part of who she is, and who we are as a family. She is an incredible and wonderful person just as she is, but just as she is she also has to go through terrible and frightening things, terrible and frightening things that are taboo and scary and that part of me wants to forget all about.
We all need to be reminded to be aware. It is one of the most fundamentally important things that we can do. Thank you.
I’m sitting at my computer tossing words around in my head, wondering what to write. It’s never easy knowing what to say to somebody who has just lost somebody they love. But I think it is important to say something, however small it may seem. And you’re so right, we should hug everybody and tell the people we love and care about that we do love them. I’m glad you’ve shared this, it really can’t have been easy for you to write this, but I strongly believe by talking and sharing our sadness, it does help us. I lost my Mum when I was seven and I am currently having counselling because I never got to grieve at the time, I was “protected” by well-intentioned family. Talk. And keep talking. Make sure you say goodbye and keep thinking of your brother and happy memories, even if it makes you cry. There’s no hurry. My thoughts are with you and your family x
I too came from Laura’s blog. I’m so so sorry. Sending you all a big massive virtual hug x
I have come over from Laura’s blog. Life is very short, and you have to grasp it with both hands. I have suffered from depression as did my grandma (her whole life), that very dark room you think you will never emerge from can become sometimes lighter with help from wonderful friends and family. Life is a gift, your brother would have had very down deep dark days, but he would have had a loving family around him, however depressed I got, this I never took for granted.
Your brother is still with you, in your heart, and nobody can take him away from you. With lots of hugs to you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Tom. And I think that, in spite of your hesitation, you were right to talk about it on your author blog. Because this is real life (and death) and I’m sure every one of your readers knows someone touched by it. It shouldn’t be a secret. I’ve suffered from it ever since my mom died. I hope your brother is better wherever he is now. Big hugs to you and your family.
Amy
Thank you SO much to EVERYONE for such heartfelt responses to this post. Just when the world seems to feel a little darker, along come a group of mostly strangers to turn the lights on. Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! For every kick in the nuts there’s a thousand hugs and cuddles.
God bless you and your family…
Dear Tom & family
So sorry to hear about Joss’ death, so sad to get this confirmation that it is true. The grapevine told me. Your blog comments to raise awareness are spot on. Depression is still surprisingly taboo. I have suffered from it twice, once 14 years ago and then again post-natally. I always talk about it and am always surprised how many others admit to being a sufferer. I am fine now and hope it never does re-surface, but I’m straight down to the GP when it does.
Big humungous hugs to you and all your family, do send them my love.
Love Katy Pick xxx
P.S. I’m sure when I was about 8 Joss was my boyfriend for at least a week or something like that! Always had fond memories of him. RIP.
Hi Tom (and Laura)
I came here from Laura’s blog. I am so so sorry for your loss. I have suffered from depression & have been as low as its possible to get. Depression is misunderstood a lot, I kept a good front on to a lot of people who were horrified when they then heard I was in Hospital. I came through it all and am now married with 2 kids. I am really really sorry that you have lost your brother. I just wanted to say that. Xx
Dear Tom,
I am a friend of Laura’s on line. I am so sorry for your loss. Depression hurts so many people, and ultimately the ones left behind.
so sorry for your loss
heather
On a subject that is so much easier to avoid than to not, it’s so nice to read everyone’s amazing replies. Thank you all xx
Tom, as someone who has lived with depression for years, who views suicide as an option we all have, I can only say THANK YOU for speaking so clearly about your brother. Without Shame or Fear. This is the voice I try to use whenever can and why I am launching my work as The Communication Coach…because sometimes is is just To Damn Hard to talk about how we really feel, so no one knows, and they can’t support us.
Many blessings to you and Laura and your family at this terrible time, and again, thank you for your bravery in honouring Joss in this way.
Roberta, what an amazing comment. Thank you. And sorry for not responding sooner, Ive not been around much lately!
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I am currently coping with my own brother who is suffering from depression, and trying not to be depressed too. So I couldn’t just walk away after reading this, without saying how sorry I am. Even though I don’t know you, I’m sending you a hug anyway!!!!!
Crap, how terrible do I feel for abandoning my own blog for over a year?! Thank you for my hug. Please have one in return. How are things now?
I have had depression for a VERY long (decades) time but I am
CURED & hope to stay out of depression. But I walk a line to avoid, appreciate & not “think.”
Which means that I am not depressed. However, I do not want to get depressed again…and I fear it and constantly work at feeling and thinking only good, happy thoughts. “Ha ha ha,” that’s my answer when I am depressed & in the bottom of my hole. Not happy. So I must stay out of the hole.
When you fall in that black “hole” of depression, it feels hopeless & maybe it is. Obviously for Robin Williams, it was hopeless.
Hi Tom my mum told me she bumped into your mum at the ‘herb centre’ the other day and so learned about Joss’ death. I only vaguely remember you guys, but I remember Joss best from the Grasby bus. He was a bit more individual and interesting than most at that age. So sad, but responding by positively treasuring the time we have is the best response. All the best, Simon.
Hi Simon, it’s nice to hear from you! Thanks for the message. No thanks for reminding me of Grasby buses – I thought I had successfully wiped them from my memory. Do you remember Diane, the driver?
All the best,
Tom