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Apr
21

Holiday

I’ve recently been on holiday. It was one of those caravan sites with a big swimming pool, evening entertainment (provided by people who failed to make it into the auditions for Britain’s Got Talent), and where, as part of the package deal, you get tiny people hidden in one of the caravan cupboards.
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I had never been on one of these holidays before and have to admit that I wasn’t too sure what I’d make of the whole ‘tiny people in your caravan cupboards’ thing. It turns out that our tiny people proved to be a fountain of knowledge, having the answers for all those ‘first day of holiday’ questions we had, and also being helpful guides to the local amenities and sights. Unfortunately, despite all of their knowledge and wisdom, the only thing they ever bothered to share with us was how to get to the swimming pool.
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And on those rare occasions that they didn’t lead us to the pool, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were only taking us to places that THEY wanted to go.
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(And that ride wasn’t even going round. Which was pretty freaking weird!)

Yes, the novelty of having these “amusing” little people in our caravan was short-lived. It soon became all too apparent that they were only in this for personal gain. Things soon went from bad to worse.

They drank our wine.
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They hogged the TV.

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And they had the most aggressively messed-up interpretation of ‘photo bombing’ I have ever come across!

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In short, this became more of a holiday for THEM than it was for US, and I have written to the holiday village head office to demand a full refund.

The lesson to be learned is this – DON’T get sucked in by the clever sales jargon. It’s all one big scam. If you tick the box alongside the option “I would like the added tiny people for an extra cost of £48″, tiny people is what you get.
For life!

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Haven’t been able to get rid of them ever since.

Mar
12

{a little glimpse} #4

{a little glimpse} – a single sketch, photograph or work in progress.

Inspired by Cupcakesforclara

Mar
09

#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

“Was my man to leave? In the heat of battle? No, he did not leave. He fought with bravery and gallant-ly… ness.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ available now in all good bookshops (and some crap ones too) and also in e-book-selling places.

Mar
08

#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

“Crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. CRAAAAAAP!”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ OUT NOW (how could you possibly resist???)

Mar
07

#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

“Just when I thought I was ready to back away from the whole situation, an entire bare bottom revealed itself from behind the wall.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ published TOMORROW!

Mar
07

#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

Jack Samsonite’s Personal Statement: Attempt No.19 

My Name is Jack Samsonite.

I sniff balls.

Give me a scholarship.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ published TODAY!

Mar
07

BOOK BIRTHDAY!

It is finally here…

One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End in the Otherwise Un-Messed-Up Life of Jack Samsonite is officially on the loose as of today!

Sprint down to your local bookshop and grab a copy NOW! (Or sprint down to your local computer and order your copy online. OR even sprint down to your ebook reader and download your digital copy NOW NOW NOW! OR… do none of the above because you think it looks kind of crap. It’s up to you. You don’t have to ‘sprint’ anywhere. You could walk, or roll, or crawl… and it doesn’t necessarily need to be ‘NOW’, you could really do it whenever you want. I’m leniant like that.)

Anyone who is a regular to this blog will already know that I have been REALLY anxious about this book, worrying that it won’t please everybody (yes, I know, you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but it would be nice, especially if they were fans of book 1). Obviously it won’t please EVERYBODY, and, unfortunately some people WILL be disappointed, but the ratings coming in at Goodreads.com has already eased my mind. There are FIVE STAR REVIEWS on there! ALREADY! FIIIIVE STAAAARS! I am SOOOOO relieved, beyond comprehension. It is like when I got an ‘A’ in GCSE music after being predicted a ‘D’. I am completely over the moon. Thank you Goodreads reviewers.

I will rest now, and celebrate my book birthday, then carry on with my next book and then start getting anxious about that.

P.S. Is it weird for an author to publicly celebrate their book birthday? Is it a bit too ‘own trumpet blowingy’? Am I supposed to be quiet and gracious and let other people go ‘Whooop!’ for me? Or is that just lazy? I think this is right. Right? I mean, I think we are expected to promote our work aren’t we? I’m even getting anxious about this blog post!

Mar
06

#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

“OK, so maybe I was slightly overreacting. Laughing with each other doesn’t necessarily ALWAYS signify a sexual relationship but, even so, it was pretty damn sick.”

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Week-End…’ published on #WorldBookDay

Mar
05

#JackSamsoniteQuote #osmuw

There we stood. A team of film-makers. A team of rebels. The A-Team. Rocked, locked and ready to… no, that’s not right.

From ‘One Seriously Messed-Up Weekend…’ published on #WorldBookDay

Mar
05

Jack Samsonite Interview #2

I was lucky enough to grab an interview with that Jack Samsonite kid, but I was so nervous at meeting a real life, barely-heard-of, gimpy little seventeen-year-old nobody celebrity that I couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

Lucky for me you guys had already sent me some questions.

Here it is…

Me: We have a few guest questions from some of your fans. Would you be happy to answer them? (Okay, so I did manage the one question).

JS: Yes! I mean NO! I mean, can I read them first? Are they weird? I bet they’re weird. They’re really weird aren’t they? I’m scared…

Q1 from ‘Jenna’ via email: “Jack, please please PLEASE can you tell us something about your new book! I read the first one and loved it and I can’t wait to find out what happens next in your life!”

JS: Thank you Jenna (if that is your real name, though I suspect you are probably a demented kitten-killer, writing to me from your cell in a maximum security prison, where you listen to that old Crazy Frog song on loop, over and over and over again, whilst hugging your comparison site Meer cat soft toy. If this is wildly inaccurate, and you are in fact a regular human being called Jenna, and not actually a total nutter, then please accept my apologies). Since I haven’t actually read my journal since writing it, I can’t really remember the exact details of what happens. All I genuinely can tell you is this – I say the wrong thing… a lot, I do the wrong thing even more, and I… it’s mostly just wrong. But it turns out okay at the end! It’s actually quite sweet. I think. Actually, thinking about it, I’m not too sure…

Q2 from Monique, via facebook: “Dear Jack, where can I get some cock-nuggets from? I tried the McDonalds drive-thru but they seemed confused by my order. What sauce do you get with yours? 6 pack or 9?”

JS: Hi Monique. You sound made up. No one actually has that name. I’m guessing my publishers wrote these questions themselves, posing as ‘fans’. But, just in case I’m wrong (which sometimes happens), to answer your question, which is one of the strangest questions I’ve ever heard… you tried to order cock-nuggets from McDonalds?!!! I know cocks are like male chickens (just in case anyone is worrying that we’re using horrible naughty words), but we generally just call them chicken nuggets. But, maybe where you come from they do call them cock-nuggets. It does sound kind of wrong though. My guess is that the drive-thru microphone wasn’t working properly. You should probably shout your order next time, just to be sure. “COCK-NUGGETS! I WANT COCK-NUGGETS PLEASE!” I hope this solves your problem, and prevents any future drive-thru embarrassment. I don’t really understand that bit about the sauce though. Sorry.

Q3 from J_ManSpaceFace, via email: “How does it feel to be a figment of someone’s imagination?”

JS: I would love to answer that question, but, since I don’t exist, that would be impossible! (Is it okay that I say that, or is it cheating?)

Q4 from Nicola, via email: “Okay, so, your book is unbelievably honest. Don’t you get a bit embarrassed about all the nob stuff?”

JS: I can’t make this more – whatever the word is that means ‘highlighted, understood completely, really really clear’ – I had no idea my journals were going to be published when I wrote them, (if I had then I’d have written them very, very differently). And if you thought the first one was embarrassing for me, then wait until the read the second one.

Thank you all for your questions, and sorry if yours wasn’t included, but there wasn’t enough space for all of them and, to be honest, some of your questions were completely unpublishable. You sickos. But thanks anyway.

P.S. Not all of that would have made sense if you didn’t read the Atom Books interview with Jack.

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