I was lucky enough to grab an interview with that Jack Samsonite kid, but I was so nervous at meeting a real life, barely-heard-of, gimpy little seventeen-year-old nobody celebrity that I couldn’t think of anything to say to him.
Lucky for me you guys had already sent me some questions.
Here it is…
Me: We have a few guest questions from some of your fans. Would you be happy to answer them? (Okay, so I did manage the one question).
JS: Yes! I mean NO! I mean, can I read them first? Are they weird? I bet they’re weird. They’re really weird aren’t they? I’m scared…
Q1 from ‘Jenna’ via email: “Jack, please please PLEASE can you tell us something about your new book! I read the first one and loved it and I can’t wait to find out what happens next in your life!”
JS: Thank you Jenna (if that is your real name, though I suspect you are probably a demented kitten-killer, writing to me from your cell in a maximum security prison, where you listen to that old Crazy Frog song on loop, over and over and over again, whilst hugging your comparison site Meer cat soft toy. If this is wildly inaccurate, and you are in fact a regular human being called Jenna, and not actually a total nutter, then please accept my apologies). Since I haven’t actually read my journal since writing it, I can’t really remember the exact details of what happens. All I genuinely can tell you is this – I say the wrong thing… a lot, I do the wrong thing even more, and I… it’s mostly just wrong. But it turns out okay at the end! It’s actually quite sweet. I think. Actually, thinking about it, I’m not too sure…
Q2 from Monique, via facebook: “Dear Jack, where can I get some cock-nuggets from? I tried the McDonalds drive-thru but they seemed confused by my order. What sauce do you get with yours? 6 pack or 9?”
JS: Hi Monique. You sound made up. No one actually has that name. I’m guessing my publishers wrote these questions themselves, posing as ‘fans’. But, just in case I’m wrong (which sometimes happens), to answer your question, which is one of the strangest questions I’ve ever heard… you tried to order cock-nuggets from McDonalds?!!! I know cocks are like male chickens (just in case anyone is worrying that we’re using horrible naughty words), but we generally just call them chicken nuggets. But, maybe where you come from they do call them cock-nuggets. It does sound kind of wrong though. My guess is that the drive-thru microphone wasn’t working properly. You should probably shout your order next time, just to be sure. “COCK-NUGGETS! I WANT COCK-NUGGETS PLEASE!” I hope this solves your problem, and prevents any future drive-thru embarrassment. I don’t really understand that bit about the sauce though. Sorry.
Q3 from J_ManSpaceFace, via email: “How does it feel to be a figment of someone’s imagination?”
JS: I would love to answer that question, but, since I don’t exist, that would be impossible! (Is it okay that I say that, or is it cheating?)
Q4 from Nicola, via email: “Okay, so, your book is unbelievably honest. Don’t you get a bit embarrassed about all the nob stuff?”
JS: I can’t make this more – whatever the word is that means ‘highlighted, understood completely, really really clear’ – I had no idea my journals were going to be published when I wrote them, (if I had then I’d have written them very, very differently). And if you thought the first one was embarrassing for me, then wait until the read the second one.
Thank you all for your questions, and sorry if yours wasn’t included, but there wasn’t enough space for all of them and, to be honest, some of your questions were completely unpublishable. You sickos. But thanks anyway.
P.S. Not all of that would have made sense if you didn’t read the Atom Books interview with Jack.